Learning to Shut Up

I’ve never met the brilliant Canadian comic Ron James but we share a childhood memory. When we were kids, doctors did not diagnose ADHD – attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. James explains that his father instead called it, “What the hell’s wrong with that boy?”

Like Mr. James, I was always flitting from one thing to another and wanting to do more, read more, and know more. While I did all right in elementary school, I recall wanting lessons to be faster and to explore not what the teacher was pointing at but whatever was around the next corner. I was the kid staring out the window or asking so many questions and offering so many comments that I was deemed a disruptive dreamer. Now, I guess, I would be drugged into submissiveness.

Through high school I applied coping mechanisms. I’d doodle and day dream and ask to go to the washroom in order to walk a bit. I’d snatch what I needed from classes and then read the rest on my own. In the fourth class of a university course I asked the professor if she would be basing the rest of her lectures on the reading packages. When told she would, I skipped the next four months, submitted the assignments, wrote the exam, and earned an A. It was my all time favourite course. Basically, I’d been taught and effectively learned to shut up.

The silence is not a solution for your problems.

I got better at it but like many people, even those without so many thoughts competing for attention and itching to volcano, I’m still learning. Here’s what I’ve figured out so far and, with mixed success, am still practicing:

  1. We need to shut up about other people. Surely the joys and challenges of our own lives are plenty without concerning ourselves with the minutia of others. Besides, it’s none of our business. Privacy is good and gossip is the devil’s radio.
  1. We need to shut up about other people’s motives. We never have all the information and there is no such thing as mind reading. Our guesses will never be more than projections of our own values, needs, or reactions.
  1. We need to shut up about things we’re unwilling to do anything about. If that dog down the street is barking again or the boss has just done something infuriating, or myriad other irritants that test our mettle, we need to either directly address the person or issue or stop complaining.
  1. We need to shut up when someone is talking. When we blurt out our guess regarding what someone is about to say we’re often wrong and always annoying.
  1. We need to shut up when someone tells a joke or story. Even if we know a better one, no one likes the one-upper who competes with a funnier anecdote or broader tale. Let the other enjoy the spotlight.
  1. We need to shut up when someone is dealing with a difficult situation and wants only to work it out by talking it out. We can feel all mushy that we’re being trusted with the unburdening but must resist the urge to offer advice or solutions.
  1. We need to shut up in meetings. Meetings are often too long because of airtime hogged to re-word points already made or to impress the boss. Meetings should be held standing up or walking and rewards bestowed for value added rather than word count.
  1. We need to shut up in the presence of dead air. A little silence is okay. Reflection and thought is okay. We should appreciate the tranquil moments, especially in a car.

Consider the value of occasionally shutting up altogether. In 2013, Imke Kirste of Duke University found that when we stop talking and enjoy silence, the hippocampus portion of the brain explodes with new cell growth. It is the seahorse shaped bit at the brain’s centre that is responsible for the categorization and storage of long-term memory.

Kirste quantified what monks have, through their example, been gently arguing for centuries. Based on monastic notions of spiritual sojourning, silent retreats now exist throughout the world. They offer idyllic settings and experiences such as hiking, yoga, or spa treatments, all linked by their sanctuaries of silence. No radio. No TVs, i-things, or music and, most importantly, no talking. People pay big money to shut up. The Esalen Institute in Big Sur California, for instance, charges $5,000 to spend a week with them in silence.

Some folks can’t do it. The toughest part, apparently, is that a week of silence demands hours alone with oneself and some find they don’t like the company. Try it. For just one day, switch everything off and shut up. Let your mind flow. Ponder why it’s so hard or marvel at your personal mystery tour as your brain rewires itself.

There’s work left for me to do. I still slip up and don’t shut up when asked my opinion of an emotionally controversial matter or when happily amid friends. Ron James learned to make a living by harnessing his bucking bronco thoughts. Speaking, writing, and even singing torrents of words have similarly enabled me to ply my trade and pursue my passions. I get the irony of saying this through a blog post shot-gunned into the universe, but I’m getting better at silence.

If you enjoyed this column, please share it with others and consider checking my others at http://www.johnboyko.com or even following my Monday blog posts.(Photo: http://www.texasenterprise.utexas.edu566)

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One thought on “Learning to Shut Up

  1. Hi John

    As usual I enjoyed your blog but do have a bone or two to pick with you.

    First about the AD/HD thing. The essential problem of AD/HD is an inability to recognize the priority for one’s attention and to hold one’s focus even when one wants to! Medication for those with AD/HD, when it works, does not drug them into submission. I once asked a 10 year old boy after his mother refused to give him the prescribed meds to tell me the difference being on the meds versus when he was off them. His answer was instructive. He said “When I am on the medication and a thought comes into my head, I can remember it but when I am off the medication, it disappears even when I don’t want it to.” Imagine the frustration of what that would be like constantly trying to hold onto a thought and being unable — not unwilling — but unable to do so. Many such individuals feel shame and anxiety about this and their self-talk as well as messages from others leads them to think that they are lazy, crazy or stupid. They do not all adjust as well as you have and go on to conflict-laden relationships characterized by argumentativeness, being quick to anger, blaming others, getting defensive over mistakes, etc. We know from research that persons with AD/HD are more prone to self-medicate with alcohol and other drugs. When successfully medicated their creative ability is often productively harnessed. Unmedicated adults with AD/HD have problems in the workplace with following procedures and reading manuals for operating equipment, etc. It is estimated that 80% of adults with AD/HD have not been diagnosed and never medicated. I see them in my practice and they are not happy people. If you want to do some research into it I would be happy to provide you with references.

    Secondly about gossip. It can be negative but research recently has shown that it plays a role in our connecting to each other in social groups and may serve to unite us into a community. You may wish to examine this idea further.

    Looking forward to future blogs from you,
    Herb

    Like

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